Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls!

Beans on toast were had at a pub around 10 AM Saturday. England v. Paraguay: dull game, made duller by knucklehead ABC sportscasters. Beans on toast suddenly became fascinating. We woke up before 9 AM on a Saturday for this?

On the hunt for a British broadcast, I decided to make a few phone calls to some local pubs: voicemail for some guy named Gary at Standings; lots of dial-around menus and endless ringing. Finally I reached a bloke with an Irish accent at Nevada Smith's. Our conversation went something like this:

-"Hello, are you showing the American or British broadcast of the game?"
-[Irish accent, with attitude] "Well, they're both in English, aren't they?
-[feisty tone] "I would imagine so. Which do you have there then?"
-[Irish accent] "If they're both in English, does it really make a difference?"
-[laughter indicating astonishment] "Only an enormous difference. Have you been watching this ABC version at all?"
-[Irish accent, with intense loathing] "Let's see. It's being broadcast locally by ABC. And we're local. So we're showing the ABC broadcast." [muffled sound followed by abrupt dial tone]

On Sunday, ABC added a new layer of insult to its lackluster coverage: political commentary. Because—like many—I look to ABC sportscasters for penetrating insight into hot-button topics like Iran’s nuclear policy. Again, a friend and I started imagining the possibilities:

• “Iran's midfield looking lazy...of course, they're enriching uranium back home.”
• “Landon Donovan of the USA charges confidently through…Oh! Donovan has miscalculated Iran’s defense and is tangled up with Golmohammadi!”
• “USA’s staunch defense will not let any Mexicans through.”

Instead of comedy and excitement, ABC gives us daft comparisons to American sports: “If one were to look at basketball, this play would be equivalent to…” Compare that to today’s coverage of Australia v. Japan by the Guardian, only seven minutes into the match (leaving 83 precious minutes to make fun of Viduka’s girth, of which they took ample advantage):

Mark Viduka will be confident of bagging a goal or two this afternoon. With whaling still outlawed, the Japanese are out of practice when it comes to taking out large blubbery mammals.

Now, time to sneak out and find a pub showing USA v. Czech Republic…