Fever Pitch

9:00 AM Saturday, England v. Paraguay: I will be at the bar, with my head on the bar, alongside some beans on toast with tea. Here’s the schedule, with green arrows indicating interest:

So earlier today, I was keen on getting a Robinho jersey. I already picked up a Ronaldo jersey in Brasil several years back. But now Ronaldo’s temporarily out of commission, Ronaldinho has assumed god-like status, and Cafu! and Figo are about to retire; it’s time to find a younger inspiration. And what better player than Robinho? He’s young, talented, and his bloody name is Robinho. Plus, the Real Madrid jerseys look neat. It all made perfect sense.

I went to eBay. My perspective abruptly changed when I saw the all caps ROBINHO. ROBINHO 23. ROBINHO 10. Suddenly, it didn’t seem like such a good idea (and if any ROBINHO 69 jerseys start arriving in the mail, several more people in this world are going to discover what it’s like to be beaten with an animal carrier).

Bad Idea Jeans

A friend and I started imagining what fun the British commentators could have with Team Brasil (they do, after all, have the coolest names: midfielder Kaka, Cafu!!!, and 22-year-old Robinho):

• “Kaka...Kaka going through...smoothly and confidently.”
• “Kaka to Cafu...to Robinho! It's gone in! It's gone in! What amazing penetration by Robinho!”
• Against a tough defensive team like Serbia: “Kaka having trouble getting through.”
• “Becks passes Robinho…he’s about to score…he’s about to…Oh! Becks runs into Kaka!”