Talk Show Host

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High Brow Street Art

Two men stop to peer at Salome receiving the head of John the Baptist (by Caravaggio) after popping into a sex shop in Soho, London

In New York, we get dubious “street artists” like De la Vega and Neckface. Londoners have Banksy, and now—thanks to the National Gallery—some really old school artists, like Van Gogh, Seurat, and Michelangelo.

Life-sized reproductions of various masterpieces can be found throughout the capital for the next three months in an effort to bring art to the people. Curious passersby can even phone a hotline for an audio guide of the works.

London is now a living, breathing museum (I only wonder how they prevent people from vandalizing the replicas).

The camera now adds only 3 pounds (but you are still responsible for the other 268)

I thought it was a joke when I first read about this on Consumerist, but nay: HP is betting that enough XXL Americans will place their hopes on another quick-fix solution. Introducing the “Slimming Photos” effect on select HP digital cameras. Just look at how effective it is.

Do they really look better? Between the green jumper and khaki pants, it’s a tough call.

And forget about the photos, what about real-life impressions? Family, friends, and potential paramours will think, “Gosh, Jenny has really slimmed down. She looks good [even though she should ditch that green jumper].” And then she’ll meet up with them for coffee in all her Rubenesque glory and barely register that micro-second look of disappointment on their faces; but it will linger, unidentified, in the back of her mind until she goes home feeling a heavy sadness, for which she is unable to identify the source until it eats away at her late into the night, driving her to gorge on crisps and sugary carbs stashed behind those cans of white albacore tuna and Campbell’s soup, putting her right back into the dilemma for which she originally came to purchase this “slimming effects” camera from HP. Wouldn’t it be wiser and more cost-effective to just eat healthily whilst getting a bit of exercise? Or, just use Photoshop.

I tried the slimming effect for our Chinese Gen XXL friend featured recently in The Guardian:

Before “slimming effect”

After “slimming effect”

I’m afraid he’d better dust off those dancing shoes.

Soccer Scars

My first soccer scrape: tumble on the turf

Crikey. I’ve started to put theory to practice by playing o jogo bonito (used loosely in this context) at the East River Park and in Brooklyn. This is what I have learned so far:

• Running around on a pitch is tiring. This may sound obvious, but I have newfound respect for professionals who run for 90+ minutes on a full-sized pitch (which begs the question: How does Ronaldo still manage to gain weight under these conditions?)
  
• It is very easy to get injured. Today I sprained my right knee and took a tumble, eating turf. I also have a bruised heel and toe. I rammed into two guys shoulder first when we were both going after the ball.
• Tackling and defense is difficult. We learned both the “poke” and “block” method, and I have the bruises to prove it.
• Communication with teammates is key. Half the people aren’t paying attention to open space and teammates’ placement, and the result is not good. One must be quick in learning your teammates’ names and shouting at them.
• Passing and controlling the ball is difficult. In addition to that, one also has to be aware of movement and shifting placement on the pitch.
• Football is like chess. One must anticipate a move several steps ahead, running into open space, anticipating the pass, and seeing the play.
• Playing striker and/or attacking midfielder is fun.
• If you’re going to fall, just tumble and roll. It’s actually somewhat fun.
• It’s okay to get scrapes and bruises. I feel like I’m eight years old again, and it is glorious. I must buy a bottle of Bactine.

I also received a crash course on football equipment. Francois at the Soccer Supply Store on the UES tried to hide his laughter during my visit. Brimming with questions, I challenged him as to why certain balls cost $17.95 and others cost $130. When I pointed to a ball I fancied, he smiled and turned away, and then said, “You need a size 5.” “They come in different sizes?” I asked. I also wanted to know the difference between sleeve and ankle strap shin guards (he explained that professionals use the former). With the store’s largely international, male client base, I blushed when Francois decided to just put the ankle strap and shin guard on me after 30 frustrating seconds of my awkward, amateur attempt. I’m sure it was a first for him. But I walked out of the store triumphant, with Nike turf shoes, T90 Air Maximus ankle strap shin guards, a training ball, and two pairs of socks.

The words from The Thinking Fan’s Guide to the World Cup have been on my mind ever since I started playing:

That’s what you learn, as soon as you start to play and watch football: that football is difficult and beautiful, and that the two are related. Players kick the ball to one another, pass into empty space which is suddenly filled by a player who wasn’t there two seconds ago and who is running at full pelt and who without looking or breaking stride knocks the ball back to a third player who he surely can’t have seen who then, also at full pelt and without breaking stride, crosses the ball at sixty miles an hour to land on the head of a fourth player who has run seventy meters to get there and who, again all in stride, jumps and heads the ball with, once you realize how hard this is, unbelievable power and accuracy toward a corner of the goal just exactly where the goalkeeper, executing some complex physics entirely without conscious thought and through muscle-memory, has expected it to be, so that all this grace and speed and muscle and athleticism and attention to detail and power and precision passion comes to nothing, will never appear on a score-sheet or match report and will likely be forgotten a day later by everybody who saw it or took part in it. This is the beauty and also the strange fragility, the evanescence of football.

The author drew up a beauty-success chart on Brazilian World Cup performances, measuring how beautifully each team played the game in relation to how successful they were in the tournament. So 1970 represents the apogee of Brazilian soccer with both beauty and success (winning the World Cup) realized.

Rating Brazil’s World Cup performances

As for me, I will sleep soundly tonight.

When Manilow Attacks

Manilow has a weapon more powerful than guns or violence: his music

Forget Asbos. Enterprising British folks of a traveling funfair last weekend waged sonic warfare against hooligans using Sir Cliff Richard’s “The Young Ones” (add it to your iPod).

Last year, the UK’s Local Government Association (LGA) drafted a memo recommending pilot projects for the “Manilow method,” a technique first tested in Sydney, Australia, in which authorities drove away gangs loitering in parking lots by blasting “Copacabana” and “Mandy.”

The LGA went on to compile a list of top twenty songs to deter troubled youth:

1. Release Me - Engelbert Humperdinck [You’ll beg to be released, too.]
2. Unchained Melody - Robson and Jerome
3. (I’ve had) The Time of My Life - Bill Medley
4. Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus
5. I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston
6. Happy Birthday Sweet Sixteen - Neil Sedaka
7. (Everything I Do) I Do It for You - Bryan Adams
8. Bridge Over Troubled Water - Gene Pitney
9. How Am I Supposed to Live Without You - Michael Bolton
10. (They Long to Be) Close to You - The Carpenters
11. There’s No one Quite Like Grandma - St Winifred's School Choir
12. I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) - The Proclaimers
13. Diamond Lights - Glenn and Chris
14. The Power of Love - Jennifer Rush
15. Hello - Lionel Richie
16. Things Can Only Get Better - D:Ream (below)
17. Uptown Girl - Billy Joel
18. Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love For You - Glenn Medeiros
19. Mistletoe and Wine - Cliff Richard [Pop this one on to drive your relatives away during the holidays.]
20. I’ve Got A Crush On You - Des O’Connor

The Independent went on to warn last year:

But some fear that songs on the Manilow method list could inadvertently become cool and even enjoyed by the young people they are supposed to deter. A deterrent device known as the “mosquito” that emits a high-pitched noise that only young people could hear was converted by teenagers into a mobile phone ringtone that their teachers could not detect.

I’d pay good money to watch a Manilow method trial in Compton.

DDR for Gen XXL

Swimming has failed (see above). So now it’s Dance Dance Revolution for Generation XXL (now made in China)

According to The Guardian, even the Chinese are getting fat. So the Ministry of Education has decreed compulsory waltzing for all school children.

If only the boy in the pool could train with that Indian marathon wunderkind, we might have children who resemble youth from fifty years ago. How’s that for global progress?

AIRBAG / HOW AM I FLYING?

I hate advertising. 99.9% of it is rubbish: ubiquitous, invasive mind pollution. But occasionally, something catchy and clever comes along. Here’s what the roommate dragged home tonight from 5^th Street in the East Village.

6’2” man carrying Virgin’s 32” high airsick bag

Yes, that’s a jumbo barf bag from Virgin Atlantic. I’m not sure they’re meant to be snatched, but be on the lookout for large, red bags cropping up in homeless people’s shopping carts this season. Or, at my place.

Jumbo barf bags can be found near wild postings in various big cities (this one looks like it’s seen rain)

“How did air travel become so bloody awful?” the bag asks (click to enlarge)

A snippet of copy:

First, they took away the meals. Then, the pretzels. And then, the peanuts. All seven of them. Then, suddenly, those paper pillows got smaller. Along with those “comfort-resistant” blankets. Then, poof, they were gone. Then, well, the buggers got clever. No, brilliant. They started charging you for more of their awesomeness. Like $5 for a box of mini meat logs and delicious “cheese-flavored” spread. And $2 for a pair of headphones you don’t want, so you can watch a film nobody wants to watch. [continued…]

Now, if they’d only bump up their seat sizes as well. Branson, you cheeky bastard.

Don't adjust that monitor!

If you resemble either of the two people below, please sue Banana Boat or whatever cheap-ass sunless tanner brand you bought.

Posh tries to channel the black guy to her left, but fails (during the England-Brazil friendly last Friday)

And you thought your prom date was bad…